BARCELONA BLUES

So my last 3 days have been soul searching to say the least.  It has taken me a few days to get out of the dark place I have been and it was an effort.  I do get like this at times and I even felt a little sick yesterday, where I think I have just worried myself that much about my arrival into Kenya that I literally worried myself sick.  I have received a lot of supportive messages over the past few days and it strengthened my resolve and it is those messages that helped me climb my way back.  There was a point when I seriously thought about coming home-just for a micro second-well maybe a little longer as I also checked the cost of flights, but it was a few minutes of madness.  I always know that I can come home if things don’t work.  A few people are worried that I won’t just to save face of some sort if Africa doesn’t work but I know it will work, it may just not be straight away, I may have to move a few times, it may take months for me to settle in, but I have come this far and I intend to go and try my damndest to make this work as I know deep down it is what I want to do.  As a few people mentioned it is the unknown.  It is FREAKING me out, it is something I have no control over where I am used to having things planned and I always knew where and what I would be doing in 3 months time, 2 weeks time and I don’t have that power and that feeling is new and foreign to me.  I don’t like it, but it takes me out of my comfort zone and THAT is what I am going to have to get used to as I enter a new country and a new culture.  All my talk for the last 12 months has finally come.  It is now time to turn those words into actions and I think that is what has finally hit.  I chose this path and I am determined to see where it will take me.

I am also missing home and my God-daughters like crazy.  Part of that could be to do with not having much conversation time during my cruise.  I don’t want to use the word lonely but you do miss talking to people when you are on your own and this is why I would never be a back packer in the true sense and just bum my around the world.  I enjoy tours, the people you have to meet and mix with, the good and the bad.  I am certainly not an independent traveller in the true sense of the word and I have always known that.  The other downer is my Ethiopian disarster keeps cropping its head.  I haven’t heard from Zeme, but the thought of how it all finished just frustrates me at times and as Dave said I need to let it go or it will eat me up and he is right.  I can’t change what has happened and I do need to let it go.  I was unspeakably hurt, my generosity was abused, I trusted someone basically to my core and to know I made a bad judgement call has rocked me.  But I can’t let that one bad egg define the future people I meet, black or white.  I just need to use my head and do what I think is right, it is all I have at the end of the day and one bad judgement can happen to anyone.  Right?      

So I got proactive yesterday and sent out 3 emails to people that had been referred to me over the last 3 weeks.  One email went to Uganda, one went to Tanzania and one went to a contact that used to live in Ethiopia but I now believe lives in Senegal.  My Senegal lady came back pretty much straight away and explained that any contacts she had in Ethiopia have long left.  I was told that volunteering or working in Ethiopia is not straight forward. It requires a lot of effort. But it is doable. NGOs have restrictions on the number of expats they can have on their books as authorities fear that they will take the jobs of locals.  I was told to be prepared to be very proactive and also prepare myself for lots of false starts. And she didn’t want to sound negative but in the four years she was there she saw a lot of people who wanted to do good only to be met by the same frustrations.  It’s good to know and I am sure that a lot of African countries will be similar but I have the time, the patience may require a bit more work, but I am lucky I don’t have to start work straight away and I just know that something will fall into place.  I also used this opportunity to send an email to the Australian Consulate in Kenya.  I asked if there were agencies that helped foreigners look for work and also if they knew of companies that helped in looking for places to live.  I know it is not the job of a consulate/high commission to have this information but as I see it I have nothing to lose by sending them an email.    

I have also decided to not get my stuff sent to me until I have the right visa I need to have.  I am going to be entering Kenya on a 3 month tourist visa which is fine for now.  I will be making a trip to Addis Ababa to collect some personal items from Zeme and then coming back, which will I am assuming it will give me another 3 months, this I need to check and then I have that London trip in May.  I am thinking I may get flagged in the system that I am coming back and forth on a tourist visa and they may start to ask questions on what I am actually doing.  Of course if I get work, that is a different story and I would hope who ever I get a job with helps me sort that out, but if I am just back and forth with no job I am sure I just cant keep entering on a tourist visa and renting a place in their country.  What I don’t want to happen is I do get caught up in the system and I am not allowed into the country until I have all the correct papers and I have all my stuff in a place somewhere unable to get to it because I’m not allowed back in.  That would just be terrible.  So until I know where I am going to call home, make sure I have the right papers, THEN I will get my things sent.  So with all that said, I am glad I bought all the extra clothes as it could be a few months before I may have all that in order.  I wonder if you can get a non-tourist visa if you don’t have a job?  Hmmmmm.  I can look into that when I get there. 

I don’t have much option of TV viewing.  Firstly the remote doesn’t work and I can’t find the buttons on the TV to change the channels, only for the volume, so I am stuck on a Spanish movie channel which I have turned down and I am relying on my computer and IPad for entertainment.  What I have seen the last few days on Facebook is people commenting on the Lance Armstrong interview with Oprah.  I really wanted to see this, so I searched for it in Youtube and I was able to watch the full 51 minute part one interview.  I don’t think I have ever used Youtube to its full capabilities and I think I will certainly be using it a lot more when I am in Africa.  But back to Lance Armstrong.  Everyone has an opinion but you know I have to say he handled himself well in the interview, he seems sorry, yes he did some bad things and I’m not just talking about the illegal substances, a lot of sports and careers do it-we shouldn’t seem so shocked that a big named athelete has done it.  He isn’t the first and he isn’t the last.  I can totally see where he is coming from when he said the momentum just took him and before he knew he was caught up in it and he was unstoppable.  I felt sorry for him actually and I think it will be one of those topics that will be discussef till the end of time and no-one will ever agree.  I watched the second part today and I think it is a bit poor that he wants to come back to a competitive level at some point if US-ADA lessen his lifelong ban.  I think that is poor form-but that is all he has ever known, how to compete.  All these people that have come forward telling people he owes the apologies, and I am sure he does-but these are people that also made money from all of this, they aren’t innocent either.  Not all of this was done just for Lance.  Its very hypocritical if you ask me.  They are happy to ride the coat tails and reap all the rewards and when things go south they speak out.  Shame on you.  It is hard to believe a pathological liar-but he deserves a second chance, maybe not at competitive sport as there will alsways be a cloud, but at life, raising his 5 children to be better people and to live a life that was nearly lost with his fight with cancer.  I wish you the best of luck lance Armstrong. 

The other news I have been following is the heatwave in Australia, the bush fires and then on the flip side the snow fall in London.  Sydney had its hottest day  on record at 45.7C.  man that is a scortcher.  I remember about 6 years ago, it was Christmas Day and the temperature that day was 41C and I thought that was hot.  I wonder how hot it was in the ‘hottest place in Australia’ was?  .  I saw a headline saying that Australia has lost more lives in the heat than what the current road death toll is As serious as human life is, so are our 4 legged friends and I had a friends remind her fellow Facebookers to remember you pets when you head to work in the morning and make sure they have enough water to last them during the day.  Very wise words and I wish all my Aussie friends a cool day and hope that you are all copping okay.  A heatwave in Australia.  That I am glad I am missing.       

So I have picked myself up, I have dusted myself off again and I am now ready to depart for Africa tomorrow.  TOMORROW.  I better get packing-for the last time. 

So I just want to thank everyone for all your thoughts... They mean more to me than I can ever express in words. I chose this road and I guess it is the unknown that scares me and I just have to travel it and see where it takes me and know that you are all with me on this journey. The life of a traveller is not all rainbows and sunshine but I can see the clouds clearing... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart xx